Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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