Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
