OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
