She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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