It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
