I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
