She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
