I've blown a few things in my day
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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