I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
