New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
