I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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