the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
