I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
