I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
