The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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