she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
