Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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