Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
