Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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