I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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