end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
