We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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