I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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