Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
