Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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