I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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