i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
