Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
