i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
