if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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