We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I looked at my own cervix.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
