i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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