i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
