Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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