My liver just broke up with me...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
