somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Blood and glitter go together right?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
