i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
