Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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