if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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