I will die if light touches me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
