**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
