Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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