Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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