When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
