we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She told me I should be a condom model.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
