I accidentally burped into my bong.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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