dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
