my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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