So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
