So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
