Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
