Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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