you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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