Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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