tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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