So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
