Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
