we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
