Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
