I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sarcasm needs its own font
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
God, I missed his penis.
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