if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
