OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
